progress not perfection

i did it. i was able to pause mid-conversation. catch myself in the middle of an old negative pattern. and think about what i wanted to say next.

before i said it :)

normally, when i get caught up in an upsetting dynamic, something repetitive especially, it can be so hard to break out of that. to see anything other than my own perspective. to be able to consider that the other person might actually have more to offer than i am assuming they are capable of in that moment. that the conversation could possibly go another way than how it always seems to go...

the idea is, when you find yourself slipping into an old rigid negative thought pattern or interaction with another person, you have a choice. you can break your habit. you can change your perspective. you can say something new. ask a question instead of continually trying to push your own view forward. listen instead of focusing on getting heard.

we have options.

it might not change the other person's point of view, or the way the conversation goes. but it can. it did for me the other day.

it felt like i had been having a recurring dream for years of heading down a dark corridor and i just knew none of the doors worked, so i just headed straight down the hall, running, looking for light. convinced there was none.

but this time i slowed down. paused and was able to turn to the right just a tad. and found a whole new way to go. a room opened up in front of me and all of a sudden i could breathe and see things i didn't know were there.

perhaps one day i can actually be better at all this on a regular basis. that i could get to the point where a conflict begins and instead of my flight instinct kicking in and my throat closing up and my heart racing and fear beating in my stomach...

i might just be able to say to myself instead...huh...isn't this interesting...i wonder what is going on here and what i can learn from this.

and feel calm :)

and proceed...

"Be the change you wish to see in the world.” ~Mahatma Gandhi