it's ok to cry

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~Kahlil Gibran

i never knew i was a crier growing up. my mom would cry easily and frequently, and we would even laugh at her, "there goes mom again, crying..." and she would even laugh at herself. it was not a disturbing thing. we all were used to it, it seemed.

somewhere around age 18, i was able to connect to my own emotions for what felt like the first time since i was really little. somewhere along the way growing up, i learned to stuff my feelings, to numb, to detach, to the extent that i never knew what i was feeling. even that i felt. i never cried. i didn't care about much of anything or anyone.

but given the freedom to speak my mind about what mattered most to me, to be my true self, without having to please or live up to expectation, just to feel truly listened to and cared about, i discovered what an emotional person i could be. that i'm not so different from my mother :)

and by emotional i don't mean "dramatic" or "unreasonable."

i have always been confused (and irritated) when people claim that reason and emotion are in opposition.

to me, feelings are thoughts, as the reasons why we feel what we do are not separate from the emotion they produce. we can understand and explain our emotions, if given the time and space to do so. sometimes we may not have the words, but that doesn't mean our feelings don't mean something. just because someone else doesn't understand our emotions, doesn't mean we are irrational.

reason and thought are the roots hidden underground, the emotions are the resulting flower we get to see on the surface.

when i learned to cry as an adult, at first i would just laugh when it was time to cry. meaning, while discussing something that tears should have accompanied, i kept giggling.

til one day, the laughter finally gave way to actual tears. and once they started, it was like a dam had burst and i cried at the drop of a hat for about two weeks.

and the best thing about learning to cry is that i felt liberated. i didn't feel ashamed to cry. i didn't feel like i should hide it, or worry if others seemed uncomfortable with my tears. it felt very matter of fact. like the tears had a life of their own, and who was i to stand in their way of expression.

i learned that i love to cry. which doesn't mean i love to feel sad. i'm not a wallower. i'm not morose or depressed even. not anymore. i think learning to cry freely is one thing that helped me stop being depressed. because for me, crying is a release. it's connecting to myself and letting it all go. whereas depression for me is about struggling against yourself and burying the truth of what you feel. it feels wonderful to be able to purely feel and express my true emotion. without organizing it for the sake of another person.

not only that, but i don't always cry from sadness. sometimes i cry when i'm happy, or just plain moved. a song, a film, an interaction. witnessing bravery, beauty, strength, truth. all these things can evoke tears :)

i love my emotions. i love feeling alive and inspired and thrilled and moved and sad and angry.

i still have the greatest difficulty expressing any anger honestly and directly, and even feeling it sometimes. but i'm working on that. if only it were as easy as the tears :)

at the same time, though i love my emotions, i don't want to be completely helpless to them. i think if we're not careful, our emotions can be so strong, they can cloud our perceptions of the situation. our perception of the person we're talking to. because sometimes it is our own script we are playing out. something got triggered. and we get so worked up, we don't take the time to double-check what the person actually meant by what they said. we just get carried away feeling hurt. sure we are seeing everything clearly.

so while i want to give myself the space and self-respect to honestly feel my emotions, and express them...i also want to be able to see everything clearly, and approach my feelings and reactions with inquiry and balance. to be able to see the other person truly, to see myself truly, and to be able to speak my mind ~ which to me means speaking my heart :)

frou frou's let go, put to images from one of my favorite films in the world, wings of desire