confidence

do you ever feel completely tired of yourself? you hear yourself talking, or look back on what you said or did today and wish you hadn't said or done those things?

i've been feeling that way a lot lately.

if left unchecked, my tendency towards negative self-talk can get out of hand, like my asthma can get when i forget to take my daily antihistimine. i think allergies are a perfect metaphor for insecurities. because with allergies, the body reacts to harmless things as though they are dangerous to the body. just as i tend to overreact to the actions of others and see things far worse than they really are sometimes. really i just need to have a daily dose of emotional antihistimine :)

i know insecurity is one reason why i haven't been able to blog in a long time. often, i feel uncomfortable or embarrassed about what i've put out there.

the other reason i haven't been blogging is that i care too much about the opinions of certain people, and if they don't read or don't like what i write, it's really hard to feel ok about that. hard to feel ok about myself in the face of that.

because it feels like a rejection of me at a core level. because what i'm trying to do is write from my essence.

but i know i'm not the center of the universe. and just because those i care about cannot always be there for me in the way i would like them to be, doesn't mean that they don't care. it's not their job to live up to my expectations. i've been told i expect too much from people.

i listened to pema chodron's audio-cd, "unconditional confidence," last weekend and it was wonderful. what i was most drawn in by and keep thinking of over and over, is that her view on confidence is not thinking you're the best thing on earth, not the superior self-importance i tend to ascribe to confidence. or even a powerful, strong sense of self that feels completely out of my reach.

like the way i perceive susan sarandon :)

which, now that i think about it, it's really fascinating i chose susan sarandon to represent my image of confidence, because she looks just like my grandmother. who died when i was eight. who my mother always upheld as a model of perfection. a strong woman who my mother always looked up to and wanted to be like.

hmm...where does my insecurity come from? and my definition of confidence?

pema chodron says confidence is more about being gentle with yourself. when you find yourself in a pattern of self-hatred or any rigid habitual negative thought pattern, to pause, interrupt that, and start treating yourself with friendliness.

isn't that sweet?

i know i can be too hard on myself, and care too much about what others think. and there it is, in my saying i'm "too" anything.

yes, i care about what people think. yes, i'm emotional. yes, i'm vulnerable.

i want to write. to connect to myself. and share those thoughts in case anyone else out there feels similarly. so that they know they are not alone. and to hopefully help myself and anyone else know that we are ok just the way we are.

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oh my goodness, i went to see if i could find a pema chodron video on this topic, and i found one! here you go: