being mean

i started therapy again. i hadn't been in awhile and there are some problems i have that i feel like i've never quite worked through no matter the therapy. plus i've always been somewhat disappointed in each therapist i saw previously. two therapists started talking about their own problems more than i'd like. many of them were, what felt like, overly-supportive. i've always wanted to be really challenged. seen-through. called on my b.s. but most of the therpeutic experiences i've had are the "nodding supportive" type.

i might have found a good one this time. in my initial consultation with her, one of the things she said is a primary problem is that i'm "too nice" - that it's written all over my face, in every gesture, in the way i speak and carry myself. she said one of our goals she thinks should be, to make me mean.

i have always had a hard time standing up for myself. saying if i'm having a problem. or if my feelings are hurt. i have found myself going along with others. deferring. being submissive. people-pleasing. even if they are putting me down. i've ended up agreeing with them eventually. as i have chosen people to be close to who really weren't good for me, and taken their side over my own. because i found i could only be with someone who didn't like me so long, before i felt the same way about myself as they did. and i lost myself trying to please them. those were bad matches.

so part of my recent committment in trying to be healthy and authentic and strong, is to continue to try to find out what is my core, and honor that, as i've said in the last post or two.

but it never occurred to me that trying to be "mean" should ever be part of that. i've always hated mean people. and try so hard to be nice. and the world just isn't that simple. people are not always so easy to put into one category or another and that has always been so confusing.

so what i'm thinking, is that while being "mean" might never quite be a goal of mine, i need to reconsider what i think "mean" even is. standing up for myself, risking conflict, risking upsetting or heaven forbid, disappointing or frustrating another person...not walking on eggshells, hemming myself in, watching what i say, trying always to be pleasant and LIKED. instead of allowing myself just to BE. to be human. to say what i need to say. to be honest. and if what i have to say isn't what someone else wants to hear, doean't mean that the world will crash down and they'll take away my blue ribbon at the end of life for not being a "good little girl" for goodness sake.

it doesn't mean i'll ever stop trying to be considerate of how my actions and words effect others, because i'm sure i always will. but not to live my life halfway because i constantly imagine that who i am or what i think will never be good enough for everyone. because why should it be?



this song is hilarious. i love eartha kitt! take the sexuality out of it, and it's so much of how some part of me never even considered feeling, but laughs every time i watch this! :)

Women are not inherently passive or peaceful. We're not inherently anything but human.
~Robin Morgan