frida kahlo, "tree of hope"
i haven't felt like writing here in what feels like a long time. i've felt vulnerable and in need of privacy. needing to withdraw. pulling inwards.
when i first created a blog a few years ago, i made it anonymous. then after one year, i felt uncomfortable with expressing my thoughts that way. i wanted to unite my writing with my daily life and persona, to make my writings known and available to all who knew me.
but now i feel like making this more anonymous again. i think i'm feeling the need to be more obscured. more private. needing a safe space that feels more my own.
i feel like life has presented me with certain challenges. one of which has been how to maintain a connection to who i am, in the midst of relating with others. to live beyond feeling the need to please and feeling that i need to earn love, reassurance and approval.
who would i be if i didn't wait for permission or encouragement to be me? if i didn't require affirmation or approval?
and not just me...but what lies in each of us? how many people are living lives not quite their own? living in a shadow, hemmed in, puzzled, searching, lost, existing most truly in their dreams or hopes, sleepwalking through life, focusing on safety or perfection, instead of risking living with the vital spark of being connected to their core...
by revising my blog, i'm hoping to give myself space to express whatever i feel the need to...without the pressure of needing to live up to anyone else's expectations. because in the face of those, sometimes i lose connection to who i am most deeply...
if you could make a completely honest and accurate self portrait, what would it look like?
9 comments:
Funny, I've been thinking lately how at the start I felt free to express myself in my blogging, but now feel a need to moderate myself. Funny too how that's almost the opposite of how things go in the real world, where initially our communication might be more controlled, but as we get to know people it's freer and more natural.
I hope you find the space to express yourself as well. :)
I absolutely love this post and can completely relate, I left the blogosphere for some time and turned many things off in my life to find and to feel through who I am, to find my own approval of who I am and not others, to also feel that I am myself and not just waiting for people to approve of me, I approve of me and that is enough! I cannot wait to read more and thank you for blogging!!!
xo
Thank you both so much! I appreciate what you wrote and am sending positive thoughts your way! :)
I can also relate. I think that I battle with the need for anonymity and being transparent and not caring. I've just made the reverse decision.
i think that it is so hard for us as human beings to live balanced: between what we want to be, who we want to be, what we want to do (and do we even know this? another dilemma), and what others want us to be and do. Its a tension that guides everything we do. The trick, how well I know how difficult this is, is to interact and listen to others' needs and desires while establishing our individual limits and providing our individual affirmations and stamps of approval.
hi libellule, martha :) wow, your comments are always so thought-provoking. thank you! i appreciate you sharing how you can identify. i'm glad you're finding that balance in your own life. wishing you well!
Having an online presence can bring interesting tensions... I sometimes wonder if this tension is even more confusing for the survivor, because we've been encouraged to defer to others for so long, that we don't know how to navigate that balance successfully. It can be a good place to learn, but sometimes confusing.
I identify with so much of what you have written here. Whose permission do we need to exist? Why do we need their permission? When did our own opinion count for so little within our minds?
I hope you find a place where you feel comfortable. I've missed your voice and opinions, but don't want to place any pressure on you having to anything that you don't want to do.
Please take time and care on finding your way...
CG
thank you, castor. i've missed reading your words too. and you saying that didn't make me feel bad at all. just cared about and that my existence isn't invisible. which means a lot.
and thanks for sharing that you can identify with the tensions i've been dealing with. it's always nice to know that i'm not the only one...
sending you positive wishes :)
OMG, cant believe it took me such a long time! Missed you so very much. Glad you are back on your terms. This day of independence shows that if we desire it enough we will do all necessary to reach it - guess we wont use canon ball though.
hello dear paula! thank you for your kind comment. i hope all is well with you here on this side of the pond :) hugs!
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