parenting and conflict

from this fantastic site: the incredible years

i have always said i have problems with conflict. for the most part i avoid it at all costs. but the past few years i've been working at getting better at dealing with it. especially once i became a parent. i want so much to model healthy behavior for our daughter. but gosh, conflict is one of the hardest things for me in the world. for example...in grad school, i took a course on conflict resolution, hoping to overcome my problems with conflict (which are mostly that i start to feel like a 5 year old in the face of anger of any kind). i was pregnant at the time, during the course. and we had to do a role play in which i played the HR person at a business who was mediating a conflict between two coworkers. and one woman role-played her angry character so well and she got in my face a little...i burst into tears. everyone was really nice about it. but it was embarrassing.

i have no idea how i got an A in the class. i still feel like i'm woefully inadequate in the face of conflict.

but now i'm getting tons of practice because my daughter is three. they say that the "terrible twos" are nothing compared to the "terrible threes." i don't like to use those phrases though because i don't like to associate the word "terrible" with any child. especially my own. and she's not terrible at all. she's not typically angry either. but we've been sick this week with colds and being sick and tired and cooped up at home doesn't usually bring out the best moods.

teaching her how to appropriately express anger has been a challenge, but it's one i've felt pretty good at so far. but this week was a tough one. i want her to learn self-respect and confidence. i don't want to stifle her or teach her to be ashamed of any emotion. but i also want her to learn empathy and kindness and respect for others. i think children are naturally emotional. and this includes aggression. but i read once, and i love this, that aggression in children is natural, but it is natural the way that tooth decay is natural. if you leave it untended, it will grow like a wild garden.

i think it is my job to teach my daughter "how we do things here." to be not her controller or her boss, as much as her ambassador. of course some days i forget this and find myself getting into verbal power struggles. find myself saying things like, "i need you to do what i say." which seems only inches away from "because i said so."

i love my daughter with all my heart. and i want more than anything to do the best i can for her. to give her the best i have to give. it is hard to know what the right thing to say or do is sometimes, especially when it comes to teaching her how to appropriately express her anger. i feel like i'm on a good track. if she says something in a harsh tone, i try to be patient, put my own ego and hurt feelings aside, we take a deep breath, try to calm down, and i try to tell her another phrase she can say to get her wants or needs met, and that we need to be careful how we use our words. because words can hurt people too.

it's strange though. because on the one hand, i've spent time trying to get to where, as an adult, i can be in charge of my own emotional world. and get past the idea that any of us "make" anyone else feel anything. i don't want to raise my daughter to feel completely responsible for the emotions of others. yet i want to teach her a healthy amount of responsibility and empathy, so that she will be kind and sensitive and aware of the effect her behavior and choices have on other people.

i think part of being a good parent is being able to do what you believe is best for your kid, even if it pisses them off. you have to get past needing their approval. needing them to like you all the time. put up with just having conflict sometimes. and hope that the building blocks you are trying to set up are doing some good.

i try to find balance. figure out when to step back and when to step in. when to just let things be. when to let her figure out things for herself.

it's not her job to let me know if i'm doing mine right. it's only my job to do my best to ensure that she knows that she is deeply loved no matter what she feels or does. and meanwhile, to do what i can to help teach her how we can get along in this world. i hope i do good enough.