authenticity

i have not felt like posting or being on the computer at all for awhile. i'm not sure what i'm going through. but i've been pulling inwards, in my daily life too. i'm talking on the phone less, answering it less, not reaching out to others as much. i just feel like i don't have the energy. so i've been trying not to over-analyze it and just honor my instincts.

i don't feel bad. i actually feel pretty good lately. i'm engaging in fewer compulsive behaviors. i'm more aware of what i want and need. i have more energy in some ways. just less energy for interacting with others. i'm taking better care of my health. i feel more present and able to be genuinely connected with the few people i am choosing to engage with.

it's strange for me to pull inwards. i love people. love interacting with people i care about. i love reading other's blogs. but i think i've just been feeling overwhelmed and needing, i think, to do some grounding.

but today i decided to do a post. i thought i'd jot down just a few of the things i've been working on this past year. to share with anyone who might read this, as well as to give myself a record. also, i want to share this really cool thing i watched this week!

first of all, here is some of what i've been working on:

1) honoring my instincts. most of my life, i've not been sure what my instincts even are. i've felt disconnected internally to the extent that i'm not sure what is fear, what is instinct, what is thinking myself out of my instincts, etc. sometimes it's felt like when trying to make a decision, there are so many countering internal dialogues, that i'm not sure what the right thing to do is. so i'm working hard on finding out what is my instinct, how to recognize it amongst all the other competing messages i tend to recycle when making choices in my daily life.

2) changing my self-talk. ever since college, i've been aware that i had a very strong negative inner voice. i've been my own worst enemy, had a severe inner critic, a low self-esteem, whatever you want to call it. i was certainly never my own best friend. and for years i told myself i was "working on this." but in the past year i discovered that you can tell yourself you are "working on things" even for years, and never really change. i've also realized that one effect of having negative self-talk all these years was that it gave me a tendency to be drawn to people who would mirror the way i treated myself. drawn to people who didn't like me for who i was, who were critical, minimizing, invalidating, not genuinely loving or accepting. and trying to get acceptance from such people in order to counter the negative way i treated myself made about as much sense as trying to get water from stones.

instead, i'm trying nowadays to not wait for others to treat me the way i most want to be treated. or to spend my energy trying to get them to treat me that way. but to focus on treating myself how i want to be treated. to be accepting. understanding. to speak my voice and continue to strive to be who i really am...daily, in all the choices i make. including who i choose to be close to. i'm finding increasingly i'm drawn to people who are genuine and caring, who are loving and accepting. not only of me, but of themselves.

i heard the other day that the danger of self-esteem is when people esteem themselves when they shouldn't. like when a jerk feels great about themselves. but i think the problem with me has been that i thought badly about myself way more than i deserved. was "shame-prone." it's not that i'm trying to esteem myself no matter what i do, even if i hurt someone. i don't think that's what true self-esteem is about. i think we need to see ourselves accurately. and feel that we are worthy human beings. yet always take responsibility for our actions and the way our behavior affects others. and the difference lies in being able to admit when we have done something wrong - as opposed to feeling deep in our hearts that we don't deserve love unless we earn it.

which brings me the thing i wanted to share today. Brené Brown has a blog that i follow called "ordinary courage" and it's such a great blog. she is a professor in texas who has spent the past 11 years researching vulnerability, perfectionism, shame, compassion, courage, wholeheartedness and authenticity. and now she has a show that's been airing on our local public tv stations, presenting her work. here's an excerpt of her talk. it's great stuff!

i've spent a lot of my life treating people the way i think they want to be treated. struggling to please others. to "make" them happy. trying to earn love. always pushing myself to be a "better" person. but these days i'm trying to redirect my energy. to be more self-accepting. and to be loving to those i care for, yes. but to be more relaxed about it. to be more present with them. to actively listen. instead of scurrying around anxiously trying to "please" them and seeking approval. the thing is, sometimes, what i think will please others isn't actually pleasant for anyone. and the truth is, it wasn't actually making others happy, as much as i always believed it was. it was about trying to prove what a good person i was. trying to prove that i deserved to be loved. that i was ok. and it usually didn't bring me closer to the person, or make them feel genuinely loved or cared for. and didn't make us equal.

so lately, i'm trying moreso just to be here. to relax more. to engage in an authentic way with others. to stop trying so hard. stop pushing myself so much. trying not to worry as much how other people see me or feel about me in order to determine how to feel about myself. to stop looking for my own worth through the eyes of others.

if you want to read more about authenticity and brené brown's work, i included her website above, and here is a pledge to authenticity she wrote. i love this!



i hope to get back up to reading more blogs soon. but please know, if i haven't been by, it's because i just don't have the energy. not because i don't care. i care about each of you and wish you all well!

wishing everyone out there wellness and peace in your hearts. today and always~

"Being extremely honest with oneself is a good exercise."
~Sigmund Freud