the self

i felt conflicted about writing about my "self" today. i have worked so many years on becoming healthier in my self-image and trying to have better self-esteem. but i think even if your goal is mental health, there is still a danger in all this work and introspection of becoming egocentric. and though i think some amount of egocentrism is natural, i have worked throughout my life to keep a balance of a healthy amount of introspection, and the ability to see outside of myself and my life too.

i never wanted to think too much of myself. i used to keep all my thoughts and feelings to myself. sure that no one cared. i used to always wait until someone asked me to speak my heart, and even then, might hold back unconvinced that they actually cared. sometimes poor others have had to pry the truth out of me. it's too bad some people have had to work so hard to reach my authentic self. that my fears and self-doubts kept me from being able to connect openly and easily. this has even cost me some friendships.

having this blog has been an exercise for me in bravery. one more step in learning not to be afraid to let my light shine. to not have to wait to be asked to tell people who i am. to not have to wait for evidence that someone cared first. to celebrate just having a voice. to ask aloud some of the questions of my heart.

i come from a history of being too humble. self-deprecating. painfully insecure. i have spent a lot of time and energy looking outside of myself to feel better. asking others for reassurance about what and who they saw in me. reassurance that i am lovable, accepable and just plain ok. i believe that other people can be so helpful in helping you have an accurate self-image.

but there are dangers in depending on others as your mirror and source for self-worth. for one thing, two different people can see the exact same quality in you and one person would see a flaw, but the other person could see this very same quality as their favorite thing about you.

another danger is that people can't always be there for you. i'm not sure any one person could ever truly know you completely, or always say the perfect thing. we're all human. we all have our own problems we need to deal with. everyone else is doing what they can to make it through their own lives. and it's no one else's full-time job except our own, to solve our own problems.

at least that is what i'm learning. and struggling to achieve. balance within myself. the ability to be my own source of self-worth. to be my own source of stability and confidence. to be able to feel grounded and centered, without needing to anchor to another person in the process.

i still ask for reassurance more than i'd like. and i think it's ok to ask for reassurance. and validation. to confess self-doubts in the hopes that someone else will understand and be able to offer the "i've been there too" salve.

and that is why i don't think asking for reassurance is a selfish act. maybe if you do this with the wrong friend it will feel like it to them. but i think in the best circumstances, sharing our deepest feelings and questions about ourselves, can bring us closer to others. because sharing our deepest self with another sometimes helps them share their deepest self too. it can help both people feel more understood, less alone, and can help us work together on becoming more the people we feel we truly are, and want to be.

this month's expressive arts exercise is to create a self-portrait. i thought i wasn't going to participate this time because i didn't know what i would create, and honestly, i don't think i felt like looking in my internal mirror lately. i think i've been avoiding that. feeling too insecure.

but some recent work has helped me reflect and see where i am today. so i created something to express it.



here is what i learned from this exercise:

i believe that at my core i am a hopeful, optimistic, peaceful person who believes in compassion, understanding and the internal worth of all beings.

i think that whoever we think we are, who we tell ourselves we are, is often far less than who we really are.

i think that sometimes it's easy to get lost in this "I" that we think we are. our persona, or the person other people see us as. but i think it's important we learn to look past what we think are... our limitations. our definitions. our boundaries. to allow ourselves to ask, "what if that's not who i really am?" and realize that the things you've always thought were just "you" really might just be ways you learned to be in order to survive.

i still have trouble expressing myself the way i would like with the people i'm close to. sometimes i hide emotionally, repress what i'm feeling, out of fear. out of wanting to avoid conflict or rock the boat. i'm working hard to overcome my gut reaction towards "flight" and silence. and be authentic in every moment. to face my fears about what the worst that could happen is, and change the way i see conflict. instead of something to be avoided at all costs, it can be something to embrace. something that enriches relationships, brings us in touch with what is true and real, helps us feel stronger.

i still feel small. but i think that it can be good to feel small. it's important to remember that i'm not the only person on this earth. that part of being truly empathetic is being able to put my own self aside and see things through the eyes of the other person.

but i need to be careful about putting myself aside. while important to transcend my ego, it's also vital to not neglect myself and my basic needs. if i need alone-time, or exercise, or time with a friend, it's important i honor that. if i lose touch with what my instincts are telling me, i'm like a ship at sea with no ability to guide myself. i would just float aimlessly about, merciless to the forces at work around me, like the will and emotions and wishes of others.

i am grateful for the friends i've had in my life who have helped me find that connection to myself that i think is vital for self-esteem and growth. without them, i don't know where i'd be.

and now that i'm a mother, i'm more motivated than ever to be the healthiest me i can be.

because i know it's not just about me anymore.

and that's what i've been reminded of most from creating this self-portrait.

We have all a better guide in ourselves, if we would attend to it, than any other person can be.
~Jane Austen