reflecting on progress

around the new year, i usually like to think about what my resolution will be. my hopes for the new year. make some sort of promise to myself. a goal to aim for. and though i do still want to do that somewhat this year, moreso today i feel an urge to reflect on the roadwork i've completed, instead of the road ahead. how far i've progressed.

one thing that's really struck me recently is realizing how much more secure i feel these days compared to the past. i'm not 100% secure (is anyone?) but i feel much better than in the past. i used to feel really thin-skinned. compliant and eager to please, needing approval. needing permission just to be. unsure of myself. of any value to my existence. i felt small or invisible. that i needed to be this way. that it was important to not take up space.

and felt i felt like i couldn't interact with people who were negative or angry, or self-absorbed, or who were different from me in a way i felt was threatening. i used to feel so afraid, i think because i had so few emotional boundaries or what i like to call, internal shielding. i felt so small and compliant, that being around anyone who was anything other than validating or supportive or encouraging just allowed me to continue to feel invisible or small. negative, argumentative, or self-absorbed people felt so contaminating to me. my fear of conflict was specifically strong when someone was fundamentally different from me and they had a sense of certainty about their views, such that they were confident enough to want to argue with me, i was not afraid of "losing" in the sense of "win-lose" but i was more afraid of losing myself.

arrogant people felt dangerous to me. if someone was opposed to how i was or how i saw the world, if they tried to convince me that my way of seeing things was wrong, instead of being able to "agree to disagree" i used to feel like i was falling apart inside. like instead of just taking my views apart piece by piece, i felt like they were taking me apart. i felt like i was held together with pins that were easily removed. or that my internal world was like a house built on sand. i longed to feel a sense of internal strength, such that no matter what was going on around me, no matter what anyone else was saying, no matter what anyone else thought of me, i would be able to feel strong in myself. to be able to withstand challenge, attack, criticism, or even just someone else's bad mood.

part of what helped me more than anything was honoring the fact that i needed external validation. it was very important for me to give myself time and space in which i allied myself with people who understood me, treated me with respect, and who could agree or at least see things from my point of view, even if it wasn't how they saw things. people who were empathetic. people who could communicate. people with whom i didn't feel diminished or small or unseen. people with whom i felt i could stand up, speak the truth, and they saw me - and even liked me.

having that time, space, and experience with people who "got me" helped me immensely. i feel like the sand my internal structure was built on began to solidify slowly but surely over the years. and now, i feel much less of a need to put distance between myself and those who would challenge me in some way. i no longer feel the fear like i used to feel. i no longer feel the need to have different layers of "protection" and safety in the way i interact with others. i no longer feel as easily affected by the views and feelings of others.

i am intrigued by spirituality and yet have no definite beliefs about anything beyond the physical world that i see around me. yet in examining the way i have felt interacting with people throughout my life, i've often described myself as feeling thin-skinned or feeling like i have no emotional shield, which in terms of energy i have imagined that maybe this is having a "weak aura." i know nothing about auras. or whether there is anything scientific going on with this idea. but i imagine someone with no aura or a weak aura feels their emotional world easily permeated by the energy of others. and looking for an image to accompany this post today, i looked for images of "weak aura" and "strong aura" just to see if i could find a visual representation of how i have felt in my life. having never really read about auras before, i learned a little bit that is quite interesting from this website. and it seems to go along with how i've felt: reiki and aura cleansing

The aura is a subtle energy field that surrounds all matter, including people, animals, trees, plants, rocks and water. Although your spiritual body is invisible to most people it is as real as the physical body. The body’s aura is much like the atmosphere of the earth, growing progressively thinner the further out it goes. It is alive, sensitive and easily affected by the slightest shifts in attitude, mode of thinking, feelings and eating habits.

A person who is positive and healthy will have a strong bright vibrant energy field that expands outwards from the body. In a person that is negative or sick the aura will be weak and have a dull energy field contracting inwards towards the body.



even if there is no such thing as an aura, i think it's not only fun to think about things like this, but i believe it is important to allow ourselves to imagine and express our internal world in ways that make sense to us. whether or not it fits with the way others may view the world. and i can say that it has helped me in my life to envision an aura around me, like a protective barrier, and to envision it growing stronger. and the better my life has gone, the more i've surrounded myself with loving and positive people who are supportive, understanding and encouraging, the more empowered i've felt, the more i've stood up for myself and found a way to speak my truth and be myself, the stronger this "energy field" feels. perhaps other words for this would be my "soul" or my "essence." because the stronger i've felt in myself, the more able i have been to remain feeling composed and safe and intact, no matter what others are saying or feeling, how they behave, or what decisions they make with their own lives.

even if someone is aggressive or imposing, or self-absorbed and takes up a lot of space interpersonally, this does not have to make me feel diminished or invisible. i no longer have to be a mirror, or an absorber. i no longer have to bend in order to make room for them. or make myself small so that they can feel big. i still catch myself doing this sometimes, but it does not compose the majority of my life or interactions the way it used to.

so even if there are no auras, i still find the notion of them beautiful and helpfully descriptive in that they make sense to me in terms of what my internal experience has been in my life. as i have spent time learning to trust my instincts, to trust myself, to believe in myself, and to find people with whom i've felt safe and able to be this true self, and express my true emotions, i feel more of a buffer between me and the world, more of an internal strength at my core...more and more each year i feel stronger, no matter who i'm around~

**one of my favorite songs, "get me" by everything but the girl :) i used to listen to this song years ago and long to be "gotten" ~ to be understood and appreciated for my authentic self. but listening to it now, after years of good experiences with some great people, having experienced being "gotten" so much, i realize something. i am so grateful for the people i've known and loved and felt loved by. but even better now, i feel like i'm to the point now where i need this less from someone else, as i am finally feeling like i can give this validation to myself. and that feels so good...